Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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