just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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