so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
