I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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