I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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