Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
