Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My life is pants optional.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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