We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Randomize
