I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
