Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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