I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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