have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
