Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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