Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize