a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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