Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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