I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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