Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
