There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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