I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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