Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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