its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
