well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
