i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
