The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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