Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
