I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
