I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
