i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
