she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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