she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
