Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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