I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
