I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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