I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
