Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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