dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
