Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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