So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
