Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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