If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
