foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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