I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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