Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Randomize
