i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize