Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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