An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
i've created a new STD.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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