i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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