You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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