Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize