she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
