I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
