I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
