Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
