I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize