My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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