dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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