apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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